This week is THE week! Yesterday, I went to my first evaluation at the Elks Brain Injury Clinic where I met with the Speech Pathologist and had to take a memory test which was quite painful. I used to say things like, "Don't make me think, it makes my brain hurt." I had no idea that THAT was possible until yesterday. She would have me play this memory game and it literally made my brain hurt. She also gave me the worst news I have heard since the injury. She told me I would likely be unable even attend the Spring Ride as support. She said that the travel alone would be too stimulating for my brain. She even questioned my trip to Florida. After the amazing time I had with her, they then sent me to see Greg, my social worker for my experience through the clinic. He gave me the wonderful news that not only am I not allowed to drink alcohol (which I haven't done since I bumped my head) but I also need to abstain from caffeine. First, no Spring Ride, then no caffeine. Ya, this visit kept getting better!
By the time we were done with both visits, my brain was exhausted. On the drive home I alternated between rage, disappointment and tears. What was I going to do about the Spring Ride. What was I going to do about my trip to Florida. What about the money I paid for airline tickets? You can argue that they can just be used as credits for other trips, but one of the airlines I have scheduled I NEVER fly on and don't see using. They do not fly out of Boise. My anger kept building (which is not good for the head).
I was blaming myself for the accident. Blaming myself for wasted money (the airline tickets). Blaming myself for spending money on supplies for a trip that I won't be able to take. Feeling guilty for asking people to donate for a ride that, according to the therapists I saw yesterday) I would not be able to even do support for, much less ride. I was pissed. Eventually, I just cried. I have amazing friends who gave me wonderful support after my vent/rant on Facebook about how I felt.
Yes, the money is still going to a charity I believe in and no my friends do not feel cheated. Yes, I can still see if I can use this money for a different ride for possibly next year. The most important thing is my recovery. I need to forgive myself. Okay. Done.
I woke up today feeling more like myself in more ways than 1. I am feeling optimistic again. I feel like the Spring Ride is still possibly in the support capacity. I am not going to push it. I am going to listen to my doctors, but I deep down inside, I feel like it is still possible. I am releasing my attachment to it and know that the right thing will be don
Today, I had my appointment with the special "head" doctor. She is the doctor who oversees the Brain Injury Clinic. There is some special name for what she is (but I can't pronounce it or spell it) but basically she is a doctor of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specializing in injuries that keep people from living normal lives and her "love" is brain injuries. AND she is a commuter cyclist and understands my passion for cycling and my desire to make this ride in such a beautiful part of the country and for a charity I believe in! YES!!! She did say that I will not be able to ride, but she is still holding out hope for me going to the Ride as support! Her outlook was much more optimistic than the therapists. She is also changing my meds; no more narcotics for me as they inhibit the healing process. She is also giving me a new medication to help with my sleep and headaches. She has also told me to get out there walking 15 minutes a day..light easy walk. She is also getting me into a different therapist for my neck as she agrees with me that my whiplash symptoms are part of the problem and prevent me from healing. So now I will be seeing a Speech Pathologist for my cognitive thinking, the hearing and balance therapist for the dizziness and muscle coordination, and the manual therapist to release my tight muscles and getting my neck moving properly, as well as her! Wow. I have never seen so many doctors for 1"little" injury. This brain thing is kinda complicated!
Anyway, it's been a great day. I feel so much better about things. I have schedule I have to adhere to. 2 hours of brain activity followed by 30 minutes of NOTHING (no brain stimulation)..which really means I need to finish this blog and get off the computer. I need to follow these rules so my brain will heal quickly and I have better chances of making that ride :).
Grateful for such amazing care at the Elks Rehab Center! Grateful to my friends who made sure I went to the doctor when I was so hesitant to go in the first place. Grateful for the love and support of my friends out there on the computer and for my family here in my home! I AM healing!
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